My sheets look like a crime scene.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
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