My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
