Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
