Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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