The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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