the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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