Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
