There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Less talking, more tequila
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
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