First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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