i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
