Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
