There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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