god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
