where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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