Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
