I faked an abortion last night.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
