haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
