this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
