By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
