If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
