is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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