Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
