I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Randomize
