so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
