Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
