distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
