Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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