You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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