Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
