All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
