i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
