OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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