OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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