why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
