Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
