Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
