chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
