I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
