just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
