Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
