i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
