guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
And then he peed in my hair
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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