If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
