She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
