I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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