I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
