you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
