i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
