I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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