omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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