Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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