On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
