you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
