You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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