Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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