Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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