I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
