get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
